So about 3 months ago I decided to get a cat. It wasn’t really because I wanted a cat, it was because I live in an area in Toronto where pretty much every place has mice, it’s an artist community somewhat with an old European vibe. Anyways, I’ve never owned a cat before, so I didn’t really know what to expect. I went to the humane society and this is the conversation I had with the guy there.

Cajun: Hey I want a kitten.
Guy: Ok do you know which one?
Cajun: Well, just give me the biggest asshole you have.
Guy: What?
Cajun: He has to kill mice, like just murder the shit out of them. Do you have any kittens that are aggressive?
Guy: We just got this black kitten named Jet, whenever we take him out of the cage he acts like a panther and hunts people. He’s pretty aggressive.

He takes me over to “Jet” and he’s a completely black tiny kitten with bright green eyes and a look on his face that says “fuck…..off”, he is a bad ass. I picked him up, examined him like I knew what I was doing then scratched under his chin, he purrs and makes this noise like an Ewok that I found entertaining, so I took him home.

Here’s the conversation I had with my roommate as to what I should name him:

Faxe: What are you gonna name him?
Cajun: I don’t know, I hate cats.
Faxe: Well then you should name him something dumb.
Cajun: Haha, yeah hmmm.
Faxe: Whats the one name you would hate to have if you were a cat?
Cajun: I got it! His name will be Rod Stewart!
Faxe: AHAHAHAHAH!
*Rod Stewart bites my leg*
Cajun: Fuck! that confirms it, what an asshole!

Rod Stewart turned out to be exactly what I asked for; a fucking asshole. Now I say that as a term of endearment, I actually like assholes, being one myself. He attacks people when they’re not looking, often hiding behind objects and jumping out at the last second, he holds grudges and will attack and bite without warning, often for no reason (Just ask Sinn and Tenmagnet haha).

The cool thing I’m learning about cats is that they communicate almost exclusively with body language. It’s actually made me more aware of my body language and has helped me out in the field since I can’t turn off my “alpha” anymore without Rod challenging and biting me. It’s gotten to the point now that I can look at him a certain way and he submits, pretty cool.

Anyways, besides biting and being a shit head he’s also an amazing cockblock. I think just about every girl I’ve brought home since I’ve gotten him has been allergic to cats. It’s really annoying, I swear its like 90% of women are allergic to cats or something. Thats not even the worst part either, lately I think Rod has become pissed at the fact that I always kick him out of my room when I have girls over, he’s started hiding in my room when he hears me coming up the stairs with a girl, he’s really devoted to being a master sneak. Anyways, I brought this girl home the other night and we came into my room where I immediately began searching for Rod…

Girl: What are you doing? (I didn’t tell her I have a cat as I simply assume all women are allergic at this point)
Cajun: Uhh nothing, I think I dropped something earlier, nevermind.

Content, I assume Rod is somewhere else in the house so I close the door and get down to business. I put some music on from my computer. We start making out on the bed and things progress quickly. Unexpectedly, “Motown Song” by Rod Stewart starts playing. You see, me and my roommate have this prank called “Audio shaming” where we put really shitty songs on each other’s play lists to embarrass each other when girls come over.

Cajun: Fuck!
girl: *lifting her head from the depths of the pillow* What is it?
Cajun: I hate this song, my room mate put this on just to bug me.
Girl: Its ok, don’t stop, I like this song. *buries head back into pillow to muffle her throes of passion*
Cajun: *Makes disgusted face*

Just then I see Rod’s head creeping up from the end of the bed like an assassin emerging from the shadows, he notices that I see him and freezes. Even in the dark I can see that his eyes are completely black, which means he’s in stalking mode, and up to no good.

Cajun: *in an angry whisper* Rod, don’t you fucking dare!

*Rods head slowly submerges below my sight* (he hates being caught when he’s stalking you)

I continue for about 30 seconds until I see his head slowly emerge from behind the bed again. He looks pissed, and getting ready to pounce.

Cajun: *loud whisper* Rod Stewart, fucking DON’T!

Almost on cue with the crescendo of the music Rod jumps on the girl’s back and bites her ass.

Girl: AHHHHHHH What the fuck!

Rod scurries away onto the floor and triumphantly makes his cooing Ewok noise seemingly in tune with the “Woooo oooo wooo oowoo!” of the shitty Rod Stewart song playing.

I fall over laughing.

Girl: Fuck! Was that a cat!?
Cajun: Yeah, Rod Stewart.
Girl: Rod Stewart is a DICK.
Cajun: I KNOW!

Of course she’s allergic to cats and the scratches on her back puff up and become really itchy, not to mention her getting a stuffy nose and watery eyes. She gets dressed and calls herself a cab.

Chalk up another win for Rod Stewart…that fucking asshole.