1.This is my personal list and is therefore correct no matter what you think.
2.Ranking is not based purely on looks. There are other factors which will be explained for each choice.
3.This list is based on female rockers in their prime, not necessarily present day versions of them, but I’ll probably get into that too.
4.I don’t care how hot they are, if their music sucks shit then so do they.

Alright, good. So who made the number five spot?

#5

Emmylou Harris

Now, most people would argue that Emmylou Harris isn’t rock at all, and they’re kind of right; Emmylou did mostly folk and country songs. But she also played with groups like The Band and Neil Young, who very much ARE rock, and are also two of my all-time favourite in the genre. This allows her to be eligible through association, but also because she’s fucking hot. Actually, young Emmylou Harris wasn’t really that amazingly hot, I mean she definitely had the girl next door thing going on, and I would definitely make a move on a girl that looked as hot as she did, but compared to the others on this list, she’s pretty plain.

The reason she’s on this list is because she has one quality that is ideally suited for it; she’s aged amazingly. In fact she may be the hottest old lady I’ve ever seen next to Jessica Lange about 10 years ago. Look at this shit:

Keep in mind she’s about 63, even up close in HD she looks good. She’s actually an extremely talented performer as well, listen to her perform Evangeline, a song coincidentally about my people; the Acadians, with The Band. Sexy voice!

Her prime year? I actually think she got hotter as she got older, so whenever this picture was taken:

Would I do her now? Most definitely. It’s not really even for the glory on this one either, I mean there would be a lot of glory involved, but I’d probably enjoy this one just for the mad gilf-dom.

#4

Stevie Nicks

The front woman of one of my favourite bands of all time; Fleetwood Mac. Fleetwood Mac is kind of a guilty pleasure because its a band that everybody seems to like and they tend to get a tremendous amount of recognition and praise, a lot more than I think they deserve considering they really only had a couple of good albums while they were together (Although rumours is a fucking masterpiece). But this list isn’t about ranking bands for their contribution, it’s about HOT WOMEN! And Stevie really had that shit going for her.

Unfortunately, when the mac broke up and she went solo in the 80′s she gained some weight and decided to embrace the 80′s style of overdoing everything along with incorporating some weird black magic wicca aspect into her image that just made her come across as creepy.

Case in point.

With Stevie I’d say her youngest years are her best, early to mid 70′s being her hottest years, actually I’d say she was more attractive in her Buckingham Nicks days even though nobody really knows her from that period. She seemed to get more and more fucked as the years went on, and it’s evident in her style, demeanour and music.

Would I still do her now?

She's murmuring a spell under her breath...

She’s aged pretty decently compared to some of the other women on this list, and has that “my friend’s mom” kind of look to her. Although she still has that cold, crazy bitch look on her face all the time, which scares me. She seems like someone who might kill you in your sleep, or use you as some sacrifice in a spell for an evil entity or something. It would be cool to fuck a sorceress though, so yeah, if I had a few drinks I would probably go for it.

#3

Joan Jett

Oh yeah, the reigning queen of balls to the wall female rockers. Joan Jett has no competition when it comes to being a physical manifestation of every male (and female!) hard rock fan’s wet dream. The kind of woman that would pull up in a trans-am, scowl at you as she emerges from the car in black leather, take a long drag of her cigarette, grab the back of your head, kiss you violently, exhale her drag, then punch you in the face. Fuck I just got a boner…

Jett gets bonus points for NEVER selling out, and being true to herself her entire career. Joan Jett is Joan Jett, she isn’t a constructed image, or a gimmick to sell records, she’s herself, and that makes her even hotter.

Her prime year would probably be when she left the Runaways and went solo, so around 1979. Unfortunately she was also affected by the 80′s and managed to overdue things a bit later on, even for her.

Would I still do her now?

Well, I almost did a couple years ago. If I had another chance though…uhh she would probably be my last pick out of all the women on this list in their current forms, but that’s only because I’m not really into women that are built like a brick fuckin shit-house.

But yeah if I had the chance again, I’d probably do it.

#2

Debbie Harry

Oh man! Debbie Harry, the lead singer of the influential 70′s pop band “Blondie”, is one of the most iconically beautiful women of the past few decades. If you look at the hipster movement today, or any of those American Apparel ads plastered on bus stops and subways that seem to have been inspired by it, it’s easy to see the influence she’s had on several generations of women and popular culture. Blondie transcended a number of different genres going from candy coated pop to funk infused reggae and eventually even rap, yes you read that correctly, and I’ve yet to see a white girl to this day attempt that professionally. Blondie inspired and really pushed forward the idea that a leading woman in a band could do more than simply look pretty; although Debbie was great at that too.

Why she’s on my list: Her contribution to music and popular culture alone would be enough to warrant it, but did I mention she’s FUCKING HOT. Look at this!

She also has that feminine confidence that really translates well through her pictures and her music, something I personally find incredibly attractive. She’s pretty down to earth in interviews too, and seems like someone you could just go have a drink with. If were talking prime years here I’d say 1978; that’s when Blondie first started getting a lot of mainstream success and when she was probably her hottest.

Would I still do her now?

Oh man, she’s pretty old. Still looks amazing for her age mind you, but she’s got this Anne Murray thing going on now with her look that, frankly, disgusts me to the point of inverting my penis. Having said that, yeah I’d still probably go for it given the opportunity…FOR THE GLORY!

UPDATE:  Apparently she just got a bunch of surgery done and looks pretty hot.

#1

Ann & Nancy Wilson

Fuck yeah! I picked 2! They’re sisters and they’re both in the same band, so I can only give them one spot —- BON(er)US!!

Ann & Nancy Wilson are of course, the two defining members of the band Heart, and there was a time when they were the two hottest women on the planet, no joke. Most people associate Heart with their 80′s image and picture these two extremely 80′s corporate looking jokes of hotness. It’s almost as if they were making fun of themselves because in the 70′s when they were doing their own thing they were fucking AMAZINGLY hot.

Ann doesn’t really photograph as well as Nancy, but watch her in motion in this video:

Now not only were Ann & Nancy both ridiculously hot in the 70′s, but they could also fucking ROCK. I’m actually more enamoured with Ann because she has this incredibly attractive way of expressing herself when she sings, it’s like a confidence thing, like she doesn’t care if she makes ugly face expressions because she’s just singing as hard as she can. Crazy hot! She’s also basically the female equivalent of Robert Plant, who most would agree is the most impressive rock singer of all time. I’ve heard Heart cover Zeppelin, and it rocks, Ann can almost out-Plant Plant. Not that Heart didn’t have a number of their own rockin songs, check this one out, and I dare you to not fall in love with Ann by the end:

Prime year: I’d say 1976, thats the year the two videos above were from. Ann doesn’t have too many years when she was crazy hot, she teetered back and forth with her weight and her looks, so her prime years are more like prime months of certain years. It gets really complicated in the 80′s, then in the 90′s she ballooned and it just gets ugly.

Would I do them now?

Uhhh, well Nancy is married to Cameron Crowe, who made Almost Famous, one of my favourite films so I can’t really have her out of respect. But Ann…yeah Ann is still pretty big, but I think she got her stomach snipped or something so maybe she’s lost a bunch of weight and is hot again. It’s always a gamble with Ann…but yes I would go for it, she’s too much of a legend not to.

Who did I miss?

Cajun is a time traveler/was abducted by Aliens.

So Tenmagnet has been staying on my couch the past couple weeks because he just moved back to Toronto from Vancouver and doesnt have a place yet. A couple weeks ago, me, Tenmagnet, and Biscuit (whom im sure you will be hearing more about as he competed in the next season of Keys to the VIP), all went out for food after a successful Toronto bootcamp. After the meal, as we were walking back to my place, Tenmagnet and Biscuit realized they had no towels to shower and decided to go purchase some. We were already directly across the street from my house and waiting for the light when they realized this. I told them there was a drug mart a block away down the street. They went off to the drug mart as I stood there waiting for the light to turn so I could go across the street into my house.

Good, so far.

So the light turns a couple seconds later, I walk across the street and open my door (it was mysteriously unlocked?) and walk up my stairs into my house. I go into my living room and see Tenmagnet and Biscuit sitting on my couch using their laptops!

Cajun: What the FUCK!?
Biscuit: What?
Cajun: How did you guys beat me here? I just saw you walk in the OPPOSITE direction towards the drug mart??
Tenmagnet: Dude, we got back like 3 minutes ago…
Cajun: What!? Impossible, I just left you guys across the street!
Biscuit: That was like 10 minutes ago dude, the drug mart didnt have towels so we had to go to the other place down the street.
Cajun:…Haha you guys are fucking with me!
Tenmagnet: Dude…look, we have the towels.
*They have gay pink towels that are obviously not mine*
Cajun: Oh fuck!
Tenmagnet: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Cajun: Shit, I think I skipped time, im so fucked!
Biscuit: You probably got into a trance or something.
Cajun: Did you guys see me standing outside when you came back?
Tenmagnet: No, hmmm we would have though. Where the fuck were you?
Cajun: No! You guys went to the store, I crossed the street, came inside and you were already here!
Tenmagnet:…….
Biscuit:……..
Tenmagnet: You probably got abducted by aliens.
Cajun: Alright, were not talking about this anymore, this is freaking me out, lets get drunk.

*An hour later my roommate/cousin Mitch comes home*
*Tenmag and Biscuit tell him the story*

Mitch: Haha yeah that happens to him all the time, he’s so fucked, he disappears sometimes.
Cajun: Shut up! Stop talking about this!

Haha so im still not sure what happened, but recently in Glasgow I disappeared and actually REMEMBER where I went.

Cajun disappears in Scotland

Tenmagnet’s version:

We were drinking in this cool underground basement bar with a group of people, Cajun gets up to go to the washroom and never comes back. A while later, im back at the hotel room and Cajun bursts in the door out of breath, dirt all over him, and bloody hands. What the fuck?

Cajun’s version:

So I went to the washroom to take a piss and actually wasn’t feeling that well. When I came out of the washroom I noticed a door with a green exit sign which I thought was the door we came in from. I wanted to get some fresh air so I opened it and walked out, immediately an alarm goes off and I realize im in the back area behind the bar and am entirely fenced in with 20 foot concrete walls. I go back to the door to get back inside but it only opens from the inside and is now closed and locked. Fuck! I bang on the door for about 5 minutes but its too loud inside and nobody hears it. I laugh to myself for getting into the predicament and decide to look around for possible escapes.

Im basically in a totally concealed concrete box outside the bar with two fire escapes leading up to doors. I climb the first one and get to the door at the top which is locked. Fuck. I climb up the second one and the door is also locked. Im getting upset and desperate at this point. While on the second ladder I notice that its high enough that I could scale the concrete wall. I initially think this is a terrible idea since even if I do scale it, the drop on the other side would no doubt bust my ankles or leg or something. I look for something soft to land on, nothing, but I realize that on the other side is a tall bar gate that I think I could squeeze under to get to freedom, worth a shot I think if I can manage a way down there. I lean out and see if I can see anything on the other side of the concrete wall that I could use to shimmy down, I notice a solid looking pipe, victory! I also realize that if I jump from the fire escape onto the wall that there would be no way back onto the fire escape unless I pull some serious Jackie Chan shit, and im totally wasted so thats almost certain death.

I decide to jump, I make it onto the top of the wall and almost fall off head first but manage to steady myself. I hold onto the wall with my hands and try to get a footing onto the pipe. Its pretty stable so I let go of the wall with my hands and hold on, I slide a bit and a screw rips my hand open as I slide down the first few feet. Fuck! It doesnt hurt too bad because im drunk. I manage to get down the other side and my feet hit the ground, fuck yeah! I look at my hand, its not too bad. I go over to the bar fence and realize that I could never crawl under it or through it, going over it isnt an option either as its too high and all the bars are vertical and hard to climb, especially for a drunk idiot like me. I get mad again, it seems I’m now even more fucked. Its about 3am and theres nobody on the tiny side street this fence overlooks. I freak out and start running around looking for exits, I walk down a dark little alley that comes to a door that opens. Thing is, inside is totally pitch dark and I have no idea if theres a way out…

I decide that things couldn’t get much worse so I go in and the door closes behind me, its pitch black, I cant see anything. I go to open the door again to let some light in but its ALSO a door that only opens from 1 side, and since I didn’t hold it open, its now locked. FUCK, I’m now locked in a dark room with no foreseeable exit. I start getting very upset and screaming at the Gods for putting me through this. I decide to pad around the walls with my hands to see if I can find anything, I touch something with buttons so I push them all and it makes beeps and buzzes like an apartment buzzer, I yell into what I presume is a mic and continually mash the buttons, but nothing. After about 10 minutes of padding around I finally feel a bar that I can push, I push it and a door opens and I’m outside on the street! I triumphantly yell “FREEEEEDOM” in front of a bunch of people outside the club looking at me like I’m some sort of crazy hobo. I’m full of dirt, wearing a bright red Michael Jackson jacket and covered in blood. I run back to the hotel, burst open the door and see Tenmagnet using his laptop and looking at me like he’s seen a ghost.

Tenmagnet: You are so fucked.
Cajun: I know.
Tenmagnet: Tell me what happened…

Just wanted to announce that we’re changing things up for our talk that we’re giving in Glasgow.

We’re going to be getting a really sweet room at Arta on Albion Street, with a bartender and a sound system as well. But because of that, we’re going to have to ask for ten pounds, to cover the cost of the room and everything. Icedragon from the Scotland Lair is helping us organize this, and will be collecting the cover.

This is the first time we’ve charged for one of our lair talks, and it’s also the first time we’ve actually gotten a pimped-out place to give the talk in, so I’m looking forward to it. We’ll see if the audience is cool with paying a modest fee for a slightly nicer venue.

As always, Tenmagnet and I are going to be giving 95% content, and 5% plugging our upcoming Glasgow bootcamp, and the Lovesystems Superconference. I’m going to talk about inner game, and Tenmagnet will be talking about phone game and how to prevent flaking, which is one of his specialties. The guys at our last talk and Dublin all said they got a heck of a lot out of our presentation, and this one should be every bit as good.

So here are the details:

When: Thursday the 2nd of October, drinks and networking at 7pm, presentation starts at 8pm.

Where: Arta, 62 Albion Street, Merchant City, Glasgow

Who: Tenmagnet and Cajun, swashbuckling Canadian pickup arists guys.

Looking forward to seeing you all there!

Oh, and just to build a little hype, here are the 3 stories Synopses:

Part 1

The Silent Challenge: Dahunter and Cajun play a friendly challenge involving them only allowed to speak 3 words to women. Cajun gets drunk and takes the game too seriously.

Part 2

Ballin!: Cajun somehow gets his group bottle service and passed a $10,000 cover to party with Kanye West and Swedish models in Tryst. Feat: Breakdown of me picking up one of said models.

Part 3

Our Darkest Secret: Mr. M and Sheriff murder an overweight 57 year old hooker and bury her in the desert…and get away with it. Hilarity ensues, whoops!

Just kidding,

Part 3

Strippers + Game = Profit?: Cajun plays hot potato stripper. What!?

So here is part 1 of the series. I’ll post 2 and 3 a couple days apart.

The Silent Challenge:

One of the coolest things about the super conference was that I got to meet a lot of the other guys in the company that I hadn’t had the chance to work with yet. One of these guys was Dahunter, who I had been told was a really chill guy with amazing body language, and being a self proclaimed master at body language myself, I was very excited to meet him.

Tenmagnet on Dahunter:  “The guy is so chill and relaxed it looks like he’s going to fall over.”

Dahunter didn’t disappoint, and after hanging out with him for the better part of the weekend (He was on my in-field team) I realized that our style was very similar. Me and Dahunter got drunk on one of our off nights and decided to play a game in which we were only allowed to say 3 words to any girl we meet, and see how far we could get just using our body language.

We all end up going out to the playboy club that night and once we get to the bar I order a beer and start trying to think of word combinations I can use. I spot a group of girls near the end of the bar and try a run at our game:

Cajun: I….party…..forever!

Girl1: Hahaha well this is Vegas, so you’re right at home!

*Cajun furrows his eyebrows, and leans into a locked in position next to girl 1*

Cajun: *silence*

Girl 2: So what’s your name?

Knowing I cant speak, and refusing to play “charades”, I simply drink my bottle of beer continuously and point to it as if it’s the reason I can’t talk.

Girl1: Why won’t you talk to us?

*Cajun pulls out a pen and a piece of paper and writes:*

“Awkward silence?”

*Hands note to girls*

…

Girls walk away.

I laugh to myself and realize that indirect game will be impossible with these rules. But I decide to try it a couple more times before I break out the direct game. I spot a group of scantily dressed women facing the bar and try my luck again. I order a drink next to them, switch around so my back is to the bar and then look at the one farthest from me and say:

Cajun: You love…Phil Collins. (Names count as 1 word!)

*Woman turns around and she’s obviously in her early 40’s, but not bad looking*

Woman1: Oh I love Phil Collins!

Cajun: *makes disgusted face*

*Woman 2 now turns around and is about the same age, they both immediately begin touching me and displaying other “cougar-esque” behavior.*

Being a veteran of in field game, I know that the one thing that you never want to do is tease a cougar, because if you tease a cougar you get bit. Realizing that if I play the silent challenge they will take it as some sort of sick flirting game and that Vegas cougars are probably twice as aggressive as Canadian cougars, I decide that I will pass on spending my first night in Vegas being mauled by a couple of cougs…until I get drunker.

Cajun (Cont’d): Hey sorry guys, the fact that you love Phil Collins makes it impossible for me to respect you, and I’m old enough to be your father.

Cougs: Ahahah oh you’re so cute!

Cajun: I’ll come talk to you wildcats after a couple more drinks.

Cougs: Wait, what?

I walk away.

Did I mention I was getting drunk at this point?

The thing with me when I drink is that for some reason my game actually improves…up to a certain point obviously. I tend to be more of an ass, so really confident girls tend to be easier, low self-esteem girls however tend to hate me. At this point I was at the sweet spot in my drunkenness where I was bold enough to confidently escalate immediately yet still sober enough to not accidentally hit on ugly girls.

I walk to the elevators, passing through the dance floor and casually making out with 2 different girls as I “Jagger” my way through. I get into the elevator with 2 playboy bunnies (We were at Playboy club at this point) and say:

Cajun: Guys, I’m famous and I need to make an impressive exit out of the club, here…

*I stick my arms out for them to grab, they do*

Bunny2: Are you a musician? (I dressed like one that night)

Cajun: Alright ladies, get ready for cameras and a mob…

*The doors open and we walk out arm in arm in front of the long line to get in. A couple guys cheer and whoo!”

Bunny1: Where are we going?

Cajun: Right here.

*I sit down at one of the nickel machines, put a coin in, and pull the lever*

Cajun: Can you get me a gin and tonic?

Bunnies: Ahahahah you’re hilarious.

Cajun: What time do you guys get off?

Bunniy2: Wow, very smooth. 4am.

Cajun: Alright, meet me here, see ya!

Bunnies: See ya!

I get up and walk towards the blackjack tables, I see Mr. M on his cell and he runs over to me.

Mr. M: Dude where you been? Everyone is at Hardrock.

Cajun: Fuck (something incoherent about playboy bunnies) lets go!

We go to Hardrock and meet up with Tenmagnet and some of the other guys. This is the point at which I pass through my “optimal drunk” point and into my “Everyone starts to look sexy” period of drunkenness. Here is what happened as explained through the next morning over breakfast:

Tenmagnet: So who won in your game with Dahunter last night?

Cajun: I don’t know, I didn’t see Dahunter after Playboy but I did amazing!

Tenmagnet: Dude, when I saw you at hardrock last night you were just walking up to women, sort of sneering at them, and then you’d start making out with them.

Cajun: Fuck awesome!

Tenmagnet: No, not awesome dude! We were at Hardrock at 4am, the only girls there were hookers and fat chicks. Here I took some pictures!

*Tenmagnet shows me a picture of me kissing a really pale chubby girl*

Cajun: (taken aback) OH FUCK! Why did you take me there!

To my credit Tenmagnet really only took a picture of the ugliest girl I managed to kiss that night, ignoring the seemingly dozens of potential 6’s and 7’s (hookers) that seem to populate the Hardrock after hours.

Dahunter and some of the other instructors join us for breakfast and I ask Dahunter about his night.

Cajun: Dude did you try our challenge?

Dahunter: Ahhh fuck no I kind of forgot about it, how did it go for you?

I get a fuzzy flashback of a woman at hardrock who’s lips were so big and fake that she reminded me of a clam with hair, I then realize that in my state last night I probably would have found her “clamish” features attractive.

Cajun: Haha I don’t want to talk about it, fucking Vegas.

I take a big gulp of my bloody mary praying that the double shot of vodka cauterizes all the skin in my skanky mouth.

Stay tuned for part 2 of The Vegas files: Ballin!

Although I stopped caring about dance floor game a long time ago, Jaggering became an inside joke between me and my friends and I still, to this day, Jagger the shit out of things whenever I feel like looking like an idiot…which is often. If you watch closely you can see a couple “Jaggers” in the Keys video.

I actually watched every Rolling Stones video I could get my hands on and found about 5-6 recognizable “moves” that he does consistently, then practiced them, yes I’m a pro. The funny thing was that, in terms of attracting women on the dance floor, it was surprisingly consistent when done in a mocking fashion. (Tip: For best results try using on cougars)

Anyways, so me and Tenmagnet (who is totally into the Jaggering) were doing the seminar in NYC this past weekend and we saw this video on youtube about 2 guys challenging each other to “Do their best Jagger” at inappropriate times. At first I was pissed that someone stole my idea of Jaggering, but then I realized how awesome of a game it would be for the bar. Me and Tenmagnet mapped out some rules:

1. If at any time the words “Do your best Jagger” are communicated to you by your challenger (whether by speech, text, or silently mouthing) you must do no less than 3 signature Jagger dance moves, immediately. This means stopping whatever you are doing, without explanation, and performing the moves within 3 seconds of being challenged.

Additional: If you are talking to a girl when challenged, you must speak the words “Cause shes a biiitch…” while doing a Jagger hand flourish. It must look really gay.

2. Failure to perform said Jagger dance moves results in your acceptance to down a shot of whatever your challenger decides to get you. This shot will be hand delivered and presented to you as “Your favourite” and will more often than not contain liquor(s) that you find personally “fucking gross!” Obvious examples include: Dry vermouth, cheap Tequila, Bailey’s & lime etc.

3. There is no limit to the number of times you may challenge your opponent, however, If at any time you feel as if your challenger is abusing this rule, you may have a “Jagger off”. During a Jagger off you must both perform no less than 4 Jaggers along with your own signature “Jagger Swagger” that must be improvised on the spot. A panel of no less than 3 spectators must judge the winner, who receives challenge immunity for 2 hours as well as a shot of his choice.

So me and Tenmagnet were playing this pretty much the entire weekend. We would try to challenge each other at the most inappropriate times. Highlights include:

Tenmagnet Jaggering in front of a bunch of little kids who were outside their rehearsal space where we had the seminar.

Me Jaggering in Times Square

Both of us Jaggering our respected sets at an upscale bar in Manhatten, not getting blown out.

Me opening a set with a Jagger.

Tenmagnet improvising some David Lee Roth into his Jaggering and performing a mid-Jagger jump kick.

But the funniest one for me would have to be…

On sat night I went home with an actress I had met earlier. We were making out on her bed when I got a text, usually I would ignore it but I thought it might be Tenmag locked out or something so I checked it:

Tenmagnet says: “Do your best Jagger!”

Fuck! I close the phone and get up off the bed.

Girl: What are you doing?

**Cajun starts dancing around the bed, doing the rooster walk, and making the “Ooo oo OOOhoo oohOO” noise from the song “miss you”.**

Girl: What the FUCK was that?
Cajun: Nothing, just my mating ritual.
Girl: God you’re weird.

THE LAST RULE OF JAGGER CLUB IS YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT JAGGER CLUB!

Cajun: Hey I want a kitten.
Guy: Ok do you know which one?
Cajun: Well, just give me the biggest asshole you have.
Guy: What?
Cajun: He has to kill mice, like just murder the shit out of them. Do you have any kittens that are aggressive?
Guy: We just got this black kitten named Jet, whenever we take him out of the cage he acts like a panther and hunts people. He’s pretty aggressive.

He takes me over to “Jet” and he’s a completely black tiny kitten with bright green eyes and a look on his face that says “fuck…..off”, he is a bad ass. I picked him up, examined him like I knew what I was doing then scratched under his chin, he purrs and makes this noise like an Ewok that I found entertaining, so I took him home.

Here’s the conversation I had with my roommate as to what I should name him:

Faxe: What are you gonna name him?
Cajun: I don’t know, I hate cats.
Faxe: Well then you should name him something dumb.
Cajun: Haha, yeah hmmm.
Faxe: Whats the one name you would hate to have if you were a cat?
Cajun: I got it! His name will be Rod Stewart!
Faxe: AHAHAHAHAH!
*Rod Stewart bites my leg*
Cajun: Fuck! that confirms it, what an asshole!

Rod Stewart turned out to be exactly what I asked for; a fucking asshole. Now I say that as a term of endearment, I actually like assholes, being one myself. He attacks people when they’re not looking, often hiding behind objects and jumping out at the last second, he holds grudges and will attack and bite without warning, often for no reason (Just ask Sinn and Tenmagnet haha).

The cool thing I’m learning about cats is that they communicate almost exclusively with body language. It’s actually made me more aware of my body language and has helped me out in the field since I can’t turn off my “alpha” anymore without Rod challenging and biting me. It’s gotten to the point now that I can look at him a certain way and he submits, pretty cool.

Anyways, besides biting and being a shit head he’s also an amazing cockblock. I think just about every girl I’ve brought home since I’ve gotten him has been allergic to cats. It’s really annoying, I swear its like 90% of women are allergic to cats or something. Thats not even the worst part either, lately I think Rod has become pissed at the fact that I always kick him out of my room when I have girls over, he’s started hiding in my room when he hears me coming up the stairs with a girl, he’s really devoted to being a master sneak. Anyways, I brought this girl home the other night and we came into my room where I immediately began searching for Rod…

Girl: What are you doing? (I didn’t tell her I have a cat as I simply assume all women are allergic at this point)
Cajun: Uhh nothing, I think I dropped something earlier, nevermind.

Content, I assume Rod is somewhere else in the house so I close the door and get down to business. I put some music on from my computer. We start making out on the bed and things progress quickly. Unexpectedly, “Motown Song” by Rod Stewart starts playing. You see, me and my roommate have this prank called “Audio shaming” where we put really shitty songs on each other’s play lists to embarrass each other when girls come over.

Cajun: Fuck!
girl: *lifting her head from the depths of the pillow* What is it?
Cajun: I hate this song, my room mate put this on just to bug me.
Girl: Its ok, don’t stop, I like this song. *buries head back into pillow to muffle her throes of passion*
Cajun: *Makes disgusted face*

Just then I see Rod’s head creeping up from the end of the bed like an assassin emerging from the shadows, he notices that I see him and freezes. Even in the dark I can see that his eyes are completely black, which means he’s in stalking mode, and up to no good.

Cajun: *in an angry whisper* Rod, don’t you fucking dare!

*Rods head slowly submerges below my sight* (he hates being caught when he’s stalking you)

I continue for about 30 seconds until I see his head slowly emerge from behind the bed again. He looks pissed, and getting ready to pounce.

Cajun: *loud whisper* Rod Stewart, fucking DON’T!

Almost on cue with the crescendo of the music Rod jumps on the girl’s back and bites her ass.

Girl: AHHHHHHH What the fuck!

Rod scurries away onto the floor and triumphantly makes his cooing Ewok noise seemingly in tune with the “Woooo oooo wooo oowoo!” of the shitty Rod Stewart song playing.

I fall over laughing.

Girl: Fuck! Was that a cat!?
Cajun: Yeah, Rod Stewart.
Girl: Rod Stewart is a DICK.
Cajun: I KNOW!

Of course she’s allergic to cats and the scratches on her back puff up and become really itchy, not to mention her getting a stuffy nose and watery eyes. She gets dressed and calls herself a cab.

Chalk up another win for Rod Stewart…that fucking asshole.

Disclaimer: Before I explain the opener I want you to realize that it may not work for you. This opener has been tailor made for ME; like all great openers should. Because of this I highly recommend that you do not use it verbatim, but simply understand what it is that makes it work (which I will explain) and use that knowledge to create your own killer opener.

Check it:

Cajun: Hey guys I need your help, do you think I look like a drug dealer?

Women: Haha/yes/no

Cajun: Alright, because i’ve been in (city) for 3 days now and 3 different girls have come up to me and been like (flirty) “Hey do you have any weed?” so I say “No, sorry I don’t” and then they’re all like (bitchy) “alright nevermind then” Whats up with that? Im thinking maybe its the way I dress, what do you guys think?

Women: No I think you look more like a musician, or artist bla bla bla.

Cajun: Alright, well I guess my real question is this: Do GUYS ever come up to you and want something, almost expect it, and when you don’t give it to them they get all mad and think you’re a bitch?

Women: OMG yes! That happens all the time bla bla bla

Cajun: It’s pretty much your life story right!? Alright so now I know how you all feel, I am a victim too! I feel so used…you guys really helped me through this though, I feel much better, you are all totally my new best friends. Wait, how do you guys know each other?

So there it is. Doesn’t seem all that special does it? Well let me explain why it works…

1. When I say “3 different girls have come up to me and been like hey do you have any weed?” I put my arm around my target (imitating the girl who did it to me) and deliver the line as seductively as possible, I also lock myself in naturally. This gives me risk-free kino early on not to mention all the benefits of locking in. Also when I say “(bitchy) alright nevermind then” I give the target a mean look and push her away. It’s push/pull and even though im acting it still creates attraction.

2. When they say “You kind of look more like a musician or artist” which usually happens about 80% of the time, I say “Wow you’re all very perceptive, I AM a musician and an artist” Its a little DHV that doesnt come off as braggy since they brought it up.

3. The fact that I know guys come up to them wanting something (sex) and get mad when they can’t get it shows that I am not only socially intelligent, but that im also NOT one of those guys.

4. Most of the time at least one of the girls will ask “So DO you have any weed?” in which I respond “You’re bad! But uhh (kino) we’ll talk about that later (wink)”

5. I’ll use this opener on several sets throughout the course of the night (I prefer to drop in and out of multiple sets all night rather than stay in one) what happens is that I will have girls walk by me and say things like “Hey drug dealer! (kino)” this not only socially proofs me but also voids any Amogs within ear shot (Nobody wants to fuck with a drug dealer).

6. When I re-enter sets they always blow open because im the “charming, funny drug dealer” and they introduce me as such to their friends. If guys are present they almost always become beta immediately upon hearing im a “drug dealer” (see above).

So there you have it, I’ve used this opener on THOUSANDS of sets (Just ask Tenmagnet, im sure he’s quite sick of it at this point) and its stuck 99.9% of the time (I used it on a drugdealer and his “bitches” in Atlanta once and almost got shot haha). I came up with this opener because girls actually DO come up to me all the time and ask me for weed. There’s a lot of body language that goes on during this opener that I don’t feel like explaining right now, I will make a post soon on body language though. So be sure to check back.

Sorry Joan, I couldn't leave early...

The title of this one is a little misleading, im not entirely sure if it actually WAS Joan Jett that I made out with, but let me tell you the story and you can decide for yourself.

So me and Tenmagnet were in San Francisco in late October last year (2006) doing a seminar. A lot of the instructors (Save Future) hate San Francisco because of the lack of attractive women and I generally agree with this, but I had such a great time in San Francisco that I have no qualms about the city whatsoever and I could literally make half a dozen blogs about all the cool shit me and Tenmagnet did in the 3 days we were there (and I probably will), so San Fran is pretty fuckin rightous in my books. Anyways, back to the story…

On the second night of the seminar we went to this smallish bar on a trendy strip near the wharf I believe. It had a small dance floor and a patio in the back with a lot of seating so we spent most of the night hitting the seated sets there. 1 am rolls around and all the students are in sets and doing really well so I decide to game a bit for myself.

I see a group of 4 women come in who all look about 35-40ish but are dressed REALLY fucking cool. I generally enjoy talking to women who are 30+ because they always seem so much more appreciative of the attention, so I walk over and open them.

Cajun: You guys are seriously the best dressed women here, are you in a band or something?

Two of the women laugh and look over at their rocker chick looking friend who I hadnt really noticed yet.

Blonde in Red dress: You’re cute, whats your name?

Cajun: Cajun, as in the spice, and you?

Blonde in Red Dress: (I forget her name)

Cajun: Introduce me to your friend.

At this point 2 of the other girls went to get a drink so there was only the blonde in the red dress and the rocker chick.

Blonde in Red Dress: This is Sandy, were lesbians (laughs)

Cajun: Really? I love lesbians! Come here Sandy, you’re my new American Best friend.

I put my arm around Sandy, Tenmagnet notices and comes over and talks to the blonde in the red dress.

Sandy: Oh you’re not american?

Cajun: Nope, Canadian, don’t make fun of me though, im sensitive. Wow you look a LOT like Joan Jett.

Sandy: (Laughs) yeah I get that all the time.

I notice a tattoo sticking out from her cleavage.

Cajun: Wait a sec…let me see your cleavage.

Sandy: I dont have any.

I pull her shirt down a bit and see that she has the same cleavage tatoo that Joan Jett has. I realize that if it IS Joan Jett and I call her on it that It might fuck the interaction up, so I keep quiet.

Cajun: I like your tattoo, you’re hardcore like Joan Jett too, thats so fucking sexy. I’ve had the biggest crush on her since forever. You’re officially the coolest lesbian i’ve ever met.

Sandy: Haha you’re so cute, I actually play in a Joan Jett cover band. (smiles at me seductively)

Cajun: I bet you do. (Since she’s flirting, I escalate and grab her by the lower back and pull her in closer)

Cajun: Wow, you’re in really good shape (she was fucking ripped from what I could feel) its too bad you’re a lesbian.

Sandy: Yeah, its too bad you’re a guy, your sexy as hell.

Cajun: You ever kissed a straight canadian guy?

Sandy: Not in a while.

Cajun: Come here…

We make out HARD and she grabs my ass. Her friends come back and tell Tenmagnet and I that they are going back to the hotel but that we should come with them for drinks. I begrudgingly tell them that I cant leave my other friends (students) and “Sandy” leaves me her hotel name and room number with the name “Joan” written on it, which I still have.

We ended up pulling some hot younger girls that night so I never went to the hotel (which I regret to this day after learning what I did later).

So I get back to Toronto and tell my friend about the whole thing who is a HUGE Joan Jett fan. She tells me this:

-Joan Jett had a concert in San Francisco the next week.

-I thought Joan Jett’s head was shaved so I never thought it was actually her, my friend showed me a recent picture and her hair was EXACTLY THE SAME AS SANDY’s and she looked identical.

-The hotel they were staying in was one of the nicest in San Fran.

-Who the fuck travels around in a Joan Jett cover band staying in 5 star hotels??

-They had the exact same cleavage tattoo (which arguably could have been fake but COME ON)

So there you go, I cant ever be 100% certain but holy fuck thats a lot of weird coincidences if it wasn’t her.